A Child of God

I just finished the bottle of sleeping pills or muscle relaxers or something. Anything to just sleep and not feel. This is not an easy thing to admit but it’s an important detail to share because this was the Quantum moment that changed everything for me. I had said I was all in on my practice before but the whole entire move I relied on my head to plan and control every detail and when they would fail, I would pray and rely on guidance. The guidance would come and I would be “rescued” in some way but I always had this knowing that there had to be a better way. I had to stop crashing into these deep dark holes where I became more and more tempted by the permanent relief of death. In that moment, I prayed. I prayed for an answer. I prayed to know why. I SCREAMED at God, the Holy Spirit, my mom in heaven, anyone who would be listening. “If it’s true” I shouted and cried, “if it’s all true”, then “SHOW ME!! TELL ME WHY I CAN’T GO!!